Hello beautiful people!
why i fell off the face of the earth.
October 20, 2021
it's no secret that last fall i became more and more hidden from the world until one day i was completely gone. there have been many deceiving stories explaining what happened to me but very few have heard the real story.
i can honestly say september and october were the worst months of my life. at the beginning of september i realized that i could no longer handle the emotional and spiritual stress my parents' home had to offer so i decided that the day i turned eighteen i would begin a new, independent life. i saved most of the money i made from working at a local coffee shop and after doing some math realized that it was extremely possible for that desire to become a reality. as each day past, i was put into more and more emotional stress.
one evening i came home from work and received a notification that my phone was being tracked by my father. this didn't bother me whatsoever but in the past, i was told not to allow that to happen so i went to my mother and informed her that i received that notification. in a matter of seconds, i was told to sit on the couch and my mom was accusing me of deleting messages from my phone. apparently, she knew that i was sending nude pictures to my boyfriend and deleting them but didn't have any way to prove it, nor could either of them because that wasn't true. my mom told me that the phone company could retrieve those deleted messages containing suggestive content so "i might as well confess before that happens." well, i didn't have anything to confess which made my mom angry and one of my sisters was told to find my ipod touch, because surely there must be some scandalous evidence hidden inside.
one evening i came home from work and received a notification that my phone was being tracked by my father. this didn't bother me whatsoever but in the past, i was told not to allow that to happen so i went to my mother and informed her that i received that notification. in a matter of seconds, i was told to sit on the couch and my mom was accusing me of deleting messages from my phone. apparently, she knew that i was sending nude pictures to my boyfriend and deleting them but didn't have any way to prove it, nor could either of them because that wasn't true. my mom told me that the phone company could retrieve those deleted messages containing suggestive content so "i might as well confess before that happens." well, i didn't have anything to confess which made my mom angry and one of my sisters was told to find my ipod touch, because surely there must be some scandalous evidence hidden inside.
close friends and some family know that i have experienced times in which i was put into dangerous situations at home and wasn't able to call for help because cell phones in the household were taken away, so when i heard that my ipod and phone would be confiscated from me i hid it in my bra and swore that i lost it. losing my ipod wasn't a peculiar thing because it happened quite often but many in my family were suspicious as to what really happened to this ipod.
when my brother passed away, many sweet friends gave my sisters and i notebooks to hold memories of our brother within the pages. one of the many notebooks that i received had a lock and key that accompanied it which was a wonderful blessing when i wanted to pour out my emotions and had no fear of anyone reading them. some of those pages had heartfelt words in them, some had sweet memories, and some had future hopes and dreams. i wasn't normally one to put hopes and dreams on paper but for some reason i couldn't contain my joy of wanting to have a future with my best friend (and boyfriend) whom my parents strongly disapproved of. my mother was always nosey about my feelings and emotions so i kept that locked journal hidden. when she remembered i had a locked journal i was relieved that i had hidden it.
because i wouldn't tell my mom where my locked journal was she took my wallet, camera, computer, tip money, and threatened to take my job away from me. i was extremely upset about my tip money and job being taken away from me just because i did not want to give her a journal filled with personal struggles, and personal hopes and dreams. i was watched at all times and wasn't allowed to be alone until that journal was found, i wasn't even allowed to go to wednesday night youth service the next day.
that next day my mom told me i could take her counseling session to use it as i please, BUT "it would be extremely unfair if i told the counselor that she took my tip money away and threatened to take my job away." well, i did not think it would be unfair to tell the counselor the truth so that is exactly what i did. i also told him that i planned to leave the day i turned eighteen. i explained to him why and explained my plan to achieve that desire. he agreed that it was a reasonable idea but advised me to tell my family that i planned on doing that, but i was afraid that i would be sent away if they found out.
wednesday nights were nights in which the trash cans were taken to the road, and since my dad was home with me that evening (because i wasn't allowed to go out) he took the trash to the end of the driveway. when he was halfway down the driveway, i ran upstairs, found the journal, ripped out any pages that i didn't want the entire world knowing about, and placed it in a different hiding spot. when my mom got home, i told her i would look one more time for my journal if that meant i could have my tip money back. she agreed with that deal so i "found" the journal and let her examine it. she didn't find anything so i was allowed to have my tip money, computer, camera, wallet, and job back. after that incident i was terrified that she might take my tip money again and was even advised by my dad to hide it, so i gave it to my boyfriend to hold on to just in case anything happened.
each day seemed to drag on and i desired to spend less and less time at home because of the emotional stress my parents' caused for me, but the only place i could spend time away from home without my parents and siblings looking over my shoulders was the local coffee shop that i worked at. on days i didn't work, i told my parents that i did. yes, i lied about that. but it was either go insane or tell them i work on days i didn't so that i could work on myself emotionally, and figure out what i needed to do to move out in december. i couldn't see my boyfriend at church because i wasn't allowed to communicate with him, but i continued to communicate with him through the ipod that i kept in my bra. sometimes he came to see me on the days i told my parents that i worked (despite my parents' strong feelings about him coming to that local coffee shop while i was working) and sometimes he surprised me while i was working. those were the days that kept me going. and if it wasn't for days like those i probably would have gone mad.
on october 16th, i was showing one of my siblings that i forgot to zip the zipper on my pants. well, i lifted my shirt too high and my hidden ipod was no longer missing. i was tackled to the floor and sat on so that i wouldn't try to flee or hide the ipod before my mom got to me. when she came out of her bedroom i was told to sit on the staircase. as my mom grabbed my hair by the ponytail, she told me she was extremely disappointed in me, the only reason why she was still taking care of me was that she legally had to and that the day i turn eighteen i will be lucky to walk out of the house with clothes on.
i was then told to sit at the kitchen table and as i sat there i knew what she would try to do next, which was freeze almost $3,000 that i had saved all summer. i told her that if she did anything to my bank account i would leave. as she froze my money she handed me a bag and told me to go pack my bag. i walked upstairs, put sweaters, underwear, jeans, my bible, and my medicine in my bag. as i walked out the door my mom told me she would see me when the cops bring me home and i said see ya later. i walked towards a field that eventually led to a larger road, and could hear my sisters laughing and mocking me in the distance.
when i got to the larger road i walked towards town and past the sketchy trailer park that is known for drug addicts. i knew i needed to call my boyfriend and tell him goodbye because i feared the worst might happen. i examined the houses and searched for one that looked like a woman lived there. as i shivered on the doorstep i knocked and a sweet older woman answered the door. i asked her if i could use her phone to call my boyfriend. i called him, told him what was going on, and within minutes we were on our way to get the remaining tip money at my work and to tell my friend (who had known about everything going on over the last few weeks) what had happened. she told me that i could stay with her for the night but would have to sit down with my mom the next morning. that evening she worked the shift that night so my boyfriend and i waited for the shift to end at donatos.
during that time my boyfriend bought us a pizza to share but because of my extreme anxiety that night, he practically had to force me to eat. as we waited for my friend to finish her shift, very few words were spoken. at least, i can't remember many being said. i just remember squeezing his hand saying i wish i wasn't seventeen. when my friend arrived my boyfriend gave me a hug, told me to go to the police station the next morning, and that was the last time i saw him for six weeks.
the next few hours went by so quickly. i arrived at my friend's house, changed clothing because i was still in my coffee soiled work clothes, and she advised me to tell my mom that i was safe and would see her in the morning. i did not want to because i was scared that they could find me if i reached out to them but she assured me that it was the right thing to do, so i did it. i used a texting app to reach out to them because they didn't know i was with my friend nor did i want them to.moments later, after waiting for a response, a sheriff was calling the number i used. the sheriff asked me if he was speaking to katrina and i boldly told him that he was not speaking to katrina, but karina. he then demanded to know where i was but at the same time told me he knew where i was. he told me that i was seventeen years old and had no place to act in the behavior i was acting and that he could put me in juvenile jail for not telling him where i was and for being disrespectful. i bite my tongue after those words rang in my ear because i wanted to say that i would much rather go to juvenile jail than to be emotionally tortured at home.
before the sheriff arrived are still very much a blur. i remember crying as my friend prayed with me on her couch. i remember crying as i told my boyfriend that i love him and would miss him. i remember him making me promise not to hurt myself and the dreaded sounds of knocking shortly followed. i gave my friend a hug and thanked her for her hospitality as i walked out the door with a policeman by my side.
as i walked outside i questioned myself why four sheriffs had shown up to her house, i guess my mother forgot that she gave me permission to leave the house. i climbed into a very uncomfortable backseat and was asked many questions on the way to meet my county's sheriff who would take me the rest of the way home. when i was brought back to my house my mother welcomed me home with open arms, thanked the policeman for bringing her sweet daughter home, and closed the door. again, i don't remember much about the next few moments but the sweet spirit definitely didn't last long and i was shocked to find a cot next to my mother's bed instead of a blanket and a pillow for a bed.
october 17th. the next morning i woke up to hear my mom talking to my employer on the phone. when she got off of the phone she informed me that there was a meeting scheduled in which her, my employer, and the employee (my friend) provided a warm place for me to stay at. she also made sure to include that apparently, the employer was ready to fire her on the spot (which i later found out that statement was not true).
that entire day i sat at the table, ate nothing but a few bites of a sandwich, and didn't use the bathroom because i wasn't allowed to use it by myself. my dad sat in the room beside the kitchen, watching me like he was told to. when my mom came home she was furious that my friend wasn't sorry for her "wrongdoings" and she demanded to know the password to my ipod because "there was more to the story". i told her i wasn't going to give her my tip money (which was in my boyfriend's closet) or the password to my ipod. she told me that i had two choices: i could give her the password to my ipod, and i could keep my job if i obeyed the house rules or if i chose not to give the password to my ipod they would take it to the apple store to unlock it and i wouldn't be allowed to keep my job. i made her promise me that if i gave her the password to my ipod i would still be allowed to keep my job. she said that whatever was on that ipod, she wouldn't love me any less and i would be allowed to keep my job.
well, during the time that i kept my ipod hidden in my bra, i stayed in communication with my boyfriend through snapchat because it worked better than instagram. some of the messages that i had saved on there included sweet messages implying that we were excited for what God had for us in the future and we were excited to spend our lives together serving him in the future.
as my mom put in the password to my ipod, she told my sisters to not look over her shoulders because she didn't know what she would be looking at (implying that there might be some nude pictures saved to the device). when she found my snapchat app i knew it would be better if i told her that i loved my boyfriend (whom they strongly disapproved of) and wanted a future with him. this made her furious. she told my sister to pack a bag for me and i was told to put a coat on but wasn't allowed to use my own nor was i allowed to change out of my pajamas. my mom grabbed her phone, called my aunt and told her that she was taking me to a juvenile jail. my aunt quickly answered, "you mean, my house?" and my mom confirmed that. neither of them knew how loud my mom's volume was so i knew exactly where i was going.
before you knew it i was on my way to webster kentucky. on the way there my mom left voicemail's on my boyfriend's phone calling him a coward and informing him that she was taking me far away from him and also his mother's phone. the rid there was a complete mess. my mother had her share of cuss words to say about my boyfriend and i had my share of cuss words letting her know that i hated living in such a toxic environment. she also told me that while i'm gone she was planning to go to his work, go behind the counter and harm him. she also mentioned that she was going to shoot him.
i frantically asked her if she was serious and she confirmed twice that she was. i looked at her and said, "you're seriously saying that you're going to shoot a black minor?!" her tone quickly changed from raging to comforting and said, "karina, you're crazy. i didn't say that." i then sobbed because i was scared that something might happen to him while i was gone and i was scared about what might happen to me over the next six weeks. halfway through the trip, we stopped to get food at wendy's and the family minivan needed gas. while my mom was getting gas i was given permission to talk to my uncle on her phone, but i quickly texted my boyfriend on her phone saying that i was on my way to kentucky, that i was scared, that i loved him, and deleted the messages from her phone before she got back into the car.
that night i was greeted by four boys, two adults, two dogs, and two cats- oh and a lot of goats but they were sleeping. i slept in a bed in a loft that night. i can honestly say that i slept extremely well because i was extremely exhausted from such an emotional day. before my mom left to go back home, we had a conversation supervised by her sister. my mom asked me if i wanted to move out when i was eighteen and she told me whatever my decision is, i can't change my mind. i confirmed that i wanted to move out the day i turned eighteen. i told her that i don't care what she did with my belongings, obviously, i wanted anything that was mine but i told her i specifically wanted the strawberry dishes that my grandma pam gave me, my camera's and lenses, my computer, and the money in my bank. she told me i could have those things and repeated a phrase that i heard quite often, "why would i want to keep your money?". shortly after this conversation, she left me without giving me a hug goodbye.
from october 18 to november 2, i tried to stay very busy. i wasn't doing school because my school books were in ohio so i cleaned while my cousins were at school or visited with my grandma. in the evenings and on the weekends i did whatever they did, just to past time. when they were cleaning the goat stalls, i came with. when they got the mail, i came with. i came with very few clothes and toiletries so my aunt took me to goodwill and walmart in corydon indiana to use until my parents brought me some of my things from home. sometime in between my aunt decided that her family (including me) needed her to go on "family medical leave" and in order to have that she needed a note from her family's counselor but the counselor didn't feel right about just writing a note and needed to meet regularly with a member of the family, which ended up being me. when i went to the counselor for my first appointment she started the conversation by saying, "let's be honest, you're here so that your aunt can get family medical leave".
on november 2, my uncle, aunt, one of my cousins and i met my family at a chickfila for my youngest sister's birthday. i was happy to see my siblings and especially my dad. after we went to chickfila, we went to meijers and afterward my mom gave me bags of clothes, some of my makeup, a bag of groceries, my camera, and my bible. we then went our separate ways and i didn't see them for another week.
on november 7, my aunt and i drove from webster kentucky back to ohio where my parents lived. that friday and saturday was my mom's annual craft show in which my aunt decided to participate for the first time. that trip was rough. i was treated horribly by my siblings and mom. my dad was extremely kind to me which i was very thankful for. that night my mom and aunt wanted to talk to me. before coming to ohio my aunt told me that if i "behaved" she would be able to help me. she told me that i wasn't the only one who has seen my mom's angry side but if i behaved my aunt would be able to help me. well that necessarily wasn't true because as i sat on the floor while my mom lectured me for three hours, she reclined on the couch, looked upwards, and pressed her lips together. every once in a while she would add things into the lecture but not often.
one of the many reasons why my mom lectured me was because i had a password on my "my eyes only" section in snapchat. she was convinced there were nude pictures within that four-digit code and was furious that i wouldn't give it up. i had nothing to hide but i did not want my mom seeing or deleting sweet pictures of my boyfriend and there was no reason as to why i needed to give her the password. another topic she discussed with me was that she knew i was pregnant. yeah that was quite the accusation. after almost three hours of continuous lecturing, i was extremely exhausted, tired, and angry. i begged and begged to be allowed to go to bed because i couldn't take it anymore but i wasn't allowed to. finally sarcastically told them that i was indeed pregnant and there were many nude pictures in that my eyes only section in my snapchat. (none of those statements were true. i was on my menstrual cycle and why would i want to keep or see such pictures?!)
shortly after making that statement i was allowed to go to bed and instead of showering in the girls' bathroom i showered in the mudroom. my shower was quite lengthy because i was crying and trying to cool myself down from such a heated argument. as i got out of the shower to dry myself off my mother knocked on the door and told me to open it. she then asked me what was taking me so long and i told her that i was just showering and was now finished. as i started to close the door she stopped me and told me that i wasn't allowed to keep the door closed. i went to bed that night in my brother's spare bed while my aunt slept in his bed across the room. my sobs were thankfully drowned out by the sound of snoring.
the next morning (november 9) i was woken up by the sound of my mom's voice, instructing me to get dressed and join the rest of the family downstairs, where they were preparing for yet another day of the craft show. this day my mother had two craft shows going on at the same time. one of them was at her house and the other was at a large school in the area. the majority of the youth who attended the church my parents attended went to that school, so i was told i wasn't allowed to go to that specific craft show because church people went there and my mom didn't want them seeing that i was in town. so i stayed home with my mom while she hosted her craft show.
when the craft show at her house was over, i went with her to return a sign that indicated her home was participating in that show. when we got to the place known as the c.o.v.e. (don't ask me what that stands for, i have no idea baha) we passed a church staff member on our way in. shortly after passing the staff member, my mom sharply asked if i gave her a note which was something i didn't do.
when the craft show at the school was over, my aunt came back to my mom's house and her, my mom, and i sat at the kitchen table for a "talk". if you have experienced such talks, you know that its usually you listening and the others lecturing, and that's exactly how it went. i was told by my aunt that the only way i could love my boyfriend was if i was carrying his child, therefore i needed to take a pregnancy test. i was told that there was no possible way for me to move out when i was eighteen and i should have told my family years ago that i had plans for such desires (which i did when there was discussion of my family splitting.) i was told that i had two choices that evening: i could live with my mom and if i did i would be taken to a 24/7 mental hospital in louisville ky. and my aunt was going to go to my boyfriend's house for who knows why OR i could live in webster ky. with my aunt's family and finish high school the way they wanted and then talk to them about the possibility of me moving out once i was graduated.
as i sat there with tears running down my face, i was super confused as to how any of those sounded reasonable. i didn't want to live in kentucky until december 3 but both choices ended with me living there. they asked me what my choice was and i told them, i don't want to end up in a mental hospital so they assumed that i would be living with my aunt's family until i graduated. my aunt then asked if i could take home a bag of clothes, a stuffed animal, and my plants (i had a pretty sick collection of plants). my mom gave me permission to bring home those items so my aunt and i went into my room to gather up those items before we left for webster. unfortunately, the only item i walked out with was a stuffed animal given to me by my brother because of a deal my sister's requested me to hold. i could only take my clothing and plants if i gave them (my family) the tip money that everyone thought i buried by the property's pond. oh, and apparently there was evidence of my boyfriend looking for such tip money on their neighbor's camera. just a reminder: i had given my boyfriend my tip money weeks ago. my aunt and i started our trip back to webster and that was the last time i saw my family until thanksgiving.
on november 27 my aunt's family and i met my sisters and mom in louisville for the annual thanksgiving eve service at my grandparent's church. earlier that day i practically begged my dad (who, for personal reasons, almost didn't come) to join us for thanksgiving dinner rat my grandparent's house. thanksgiving day was really fun. my grandparents organized many group games, my mom made cranberry salad which i anticipated eating for an entire year, and that evening both of my parents came with me on my first black friday adventure. i remember at one point that weekend my mom asking me when i was coming home (to her house) and i told her that i wanted to stay for my cousin's birthday (december 4, a day after mine) and then i was ready to go home. before you knew it, the holiday festivities were over and it was time for my family to leave. as i waved goodbye i started to get nervous because i knew my life was about to change drastically, for the good.
before being forced to leave ohio, i told my boyfriend months before that if i ever ended up going missing i was more than likely at my aunt's house. i gave him the address and he promised that if i were ever sent there he would find me and would figure out a way to bring me back the day i turned eighteen and so when i messaged him from my mom's phone that i was being taken to kentucky he knew exactly what to do. i wanted so badly to escape such a self-damaging environment that i planned to "run away" (as i've heard some people call it) as soon as i got to my mom's house IF someone didn't pick me up on the day i turned eighteen.
on december 2, my mom and my sisters arrived at my aunt's house with groceries for my birthday dinner and items for my cousin's birthday. if nobody came to get me then the next few days would have looked something like this: on december 3 my mom was going to take me to the mall to get my double piercing as a gift, we were going to window shop afterward and look at the decorations there, and in the evening my cousins had a basketball game that most of my mom's family was planning on attending. then, at 11:50 my cousin and i planned on writing a "contract" (stating that we wouldn't use nicotine, drugs, and drink alcohol.) and eating the spaghetti meal that buddy the elf eats.
around 11pm (just an hour before i turned 18) my mom wanted me to write a contract saying that i won't run away if i live at home and won't try to talk to my boyfriend and a bunch of other things. first of all, i didn't think it was right for me to sign a contract i didn't want to sign. second of all, i didn't think it was right for such a contract to be made if my dad wasn't present because he was my parent as well. so i never wrote out a contract nor did i sign anything, instead my mom told my birth story to me (like she does every year with every child) and we counted down the seconds until midnight. shortly after, everyone (except for my aunt and mom) left the kitchen table that we were gathered at and began to get ready for bed. my sister's showered in the bathroom that i used and i let them both shower before i did. when i was done taking my shower i figured that since no one had come i would have to go with my second plan in order to escape. i asked my youngest sister to have a slumber party with me in my bedroom (yes, i was no longer a harm to myself *eye roll* so i graduated to a bedroom) and we chatted for quite some time on my bed.
at 1am on december 3, i hear my mom say "oh my goodness that was weird". i crawled out of my bed and leaned close to the door to hear what was being said. after just a few seconds of eavesdropping, i realized that my friend from my old job had just driven down my aunt's driveway in hopes to pick me up. my heart dropped because i was afraid that she was already on her way back to ohio and i had missed my chance. minutes later my mom got a phone call from a deputy. i remember her saying "karina is asleep right now." and i knew immediately who the phone call was concerning, me. i ran downstairs and told her that i was awake and asked what they wanted. i also remember hearing the deputy telling my mom that it was kidnapping to hold someone against their own will.
the next few hours (yes hours) are kind of a blur but i remember asking my mom to speak to one of the many deputies that called her, i wasn't allowed to. i remember my aunt making me sit down on the ground and she sat directly in front of me. anytime i scooted closer to the door, she scooted right with me. at one point she asked me if she could hug me, i rudely told her no. i remember my mom telling one of the deputies that i didn't want to leave and then her asking me if i did, and i told her yes. my mom told me that i wasn't eighteen until 7:27 pm and that i couldn't leave. i cried in frustration telling her that my permit said i was a minor until december 3, 2019 but she said one of the deputies agreed with her. this made me extremely angry and i said that it wasn't fair couldn't leave. my aunt told me it wasn't fair but "that's just how the world works sweetie."
another thing that my mother learned during her phone conversations was that my friend was parked on the side of the road at the end of their driveway. this made her angry that someone had driven all the way from ohio just to take her "child" away from her and call the authority's saying i was being held against my will. my mom quickly asked my aunt if there was a place they could take me that i didn't know the directions to. my aunt replied by stating that my uncle's home was just the place. soon we were informed that a sheriff was on his way to talk to me and a few minutes later there was a knock on the door.
my mom quickly informed the sheriff that i wasn't eighteen until 7:27 pm which meant that i still had to obey her until then and i couldn't leave. the sheriff told her exactly what i said about the permit and asked to speak with me privately outside. i stepped outside into the chilly weather and told him how i got to kentucky and that i wanted to leave. i also asked him how i could get my thousands of dollars that my mom eventually took out of my bank account and into hers. he told me that in order to get it back i would have to take it to court.
i walked back into the house and the sheriff told my mom and my aunt that i wanted to leave. i was given permission to go into my bedroom, change, and gather whatever was mine. since my plan b. was to go home with my mom and escape there, i had already packed up my belongings. i walked upstairs into my bedroom (i was followed by my mom and sister) and found that my packed up belongings were missing. i quietly changed clothing and asked where my packed up belongings were and i was told that i wasn't allowed to take them because they weren't mine. i also asked if i could have the coat that my grandma gave me for christmas but apparently, that wasn't mine either. i then walked into the bathroom (followed by my mom and sister) and grabbed my camera bag out of the bathroom cabinet. as i put it around my body, my sister told me i wasn't allowed to take it. i ignored such a statement because i had bought the camera's and lenses inside the bag with my own money. so i attempted to walk past them but was shoved against and told by both that i wasn't allowed to take it.
i thought told myself, "karina this is your only chance to escape. put the camera down and leave." and that's what i did. as i walked out my aunt begged me to give her until 7:27pm and not leave until then. she also asked me to wait for my dad, who was on his way, to get to webster so that i can "at least say goodbye to my dad." with tears in my eyes i told her that he's done such things to me before so i knew he'd understand. then she gave me her phone number and told me to call her when i get to ohio and gave me a hug. i walked out of the house with the sheriff and started the small hike to the end of the driveway where my friend greeted me with open arms. i walked up to my friend and gave her a side hug, because my family told me she was probably lesbian and the only reason why she was picking me up was to rape me, and she brought me back to ohio. :")
on december 4 i went to the sheriff's department in my family's county. i knew from a witnessed experience in kentucky that my aunt would advise my mom to file for a "missing person's report" and possibly a "mental inquest warrant. my aunt frequently threatened to file for such things if i were to ever leave. so i told the sheriff that i wasn't missing and told him that they tried to hold me against my will. he asked for my parents' cell phone numbers and told me he would tell them not to file for such things. (spoiler alert, two months later a sheriff knocked on my door, making sure i wasn't missing.)
when my brother passed away, many sweet friends gave my sisters and i notebooks to hold memories of our brother within the pages. one of the many notebooks that i received had a lock and key that accompanied it which was a wonderful blessing when i wanted to pour out my emotions and had no fear of anyone reading them. some of those pages had heartfelt words in them, some had sweet memories, and some had future hopes and dreams. i wasn't normally one to put hopes and dreams on paper but for some reason i couldn't contain my joy of wanting to have a future with my best friend (and boyfriend) whom my parents strongly disapproved of. my mother was always nosey about my feelings and emotions so i kept that locked journal hidden. when she remembered i had a locked journal i was relieved that i had hidden it.
because i wouldn't tell my mom where my locked journal was she took my wallet, camera, computer, tip money, and threatened to take my job away from me. i was extremely upset about my tip money and job being taken away from me just because i did not want to give her a journal filled with personal struggles, and personal hopes and dreams. i was watched at all times and wasn't allowed to be alone until that journal was found, i wasn't even allowed to go to wednesday night youth service the next day.
that next day my mom told me i could take her counseling session to use it as i please, BUT "it would be extremely unfair if i told the counselor that she took my tip money away and threatened to take my job away." well, i did not think it would be unfair to tell the counselor the truth so that is exactly what i did. i also told him that i planned to leave the day i turned eighteen. i explained to him why and explained my plan to achieve that desire. he agreed that it was a reasonable idea but advised me to tell my family that i planned on doing that, but i was afraid that i would be sent away if they found out.
wednesday nights were nights in which the trash cans were taken to the road, and since my dad was home with me that evening (because i wasn't allowed to go out) he took the trash to the end of the driveway. when he was halfway down the driveway, i ran upstairs, found the journal, ripped out any pages that i didn't want the entire world knowing about, and placed it in a different hiding spot. when my mom got home, i told her i would look one more time for my journal if that meant i could have my tip money back. she agreed with that deal so i "found" the journal and let her examine it. she didn't find anything so i was allowed to have my tip money, computer, camera, wallet, and job back. after that incident i was terrified that she might take my tip money again and was even advised by my dad to hide it, so i gave it to my boyfriend to hold on to just in case anything happened.
each day seemed to drag on and i desired to spend less and less time at home because of the emotional stress my parents' caused for me, but the only place i could spend time away from home without my parents and siblings looking over my shoulders was the local coffee shop that i worked at. on days i didn't work, i told my parents that i did. yes, i lied about that. but it was either go insane or tell them i work on days i didn't so that i could work on myself emotionally, and figure out what i needed to do to move out in december. i couldn't see my boyfriend at church because i wasn't allowed to communicate with him, but i continued to communicate with him through the ipod that i kept in my bra. sometimes he came to see me on the days i told my parents that i worked (despite my parents' strong feelings about him coming to that local coffee shop while i was working) and sometimes he surprised me while i was working. those were the days that kept me going. and if it wasn't for days like those i probably would have gone mad.
on october 16th, i was showing one of my siblings that i forgot to zip the zipper on my pants. well, i lifted my shirt too high and my hidden ipod was no longer missing. i was tackled to the floor and sat on so that i wouldn't try to flee or hide the ipod before my mom got to me. when she came out of her bedroom i was told to sit on the staircase. as my mom grabbed my hair by the ponytail, she told me she was extremely disappointed in me, the only reason why she was still taking care of me was that she legally had to and that the day i turn eighteen i will be lucky to walk out of the house with clothes on.
i was then told to sit at the kitchen table and as i sat there i knew what she would try to do next, which was freeze almost $3,000 that i had saved all summer. i told her that if she did anything to my bank account i would leave. as she froze my money she handed me a bag and told me to go pack my bag. i walked upstairs, put sweaters, underwear, jeans, my bible, and my medicine in my bag. as i walked out the door my mom told me she would see me when the cops bring me home and i said see ya later. i walked towards a field that eventually led to a larger road, and could hear my sisters laughing and mocking me in the distance.
when i got to the larger road i walked towards town and past the sketchy trailer park that is known for drug addicts. i knew i needed to call my boyfriend and tell him goodbye because i feared the worst might happen. i examined the houses and searched for one that looked like a woman lived there. as i shivered on the doorstep i knocked and a sweet older woman answered the door. i asked her if i could use her phone to call my boyfriend. i called him, told him what was going on, and within minutes we were on our way to get the remaining tip money at my work and to tell my friend (who had known about everything going on over the last few weeks) what had happened. she told me that i could stay with her for the night but would have to sit down with my mom the next morning. that evening she worked the shift that night so my boyfriend and i waited for the shift to end at donatos.
during that time my boyfriend bought us a pizza to share but because of my extreme anxiety that night, he practically had to force me to eat. as we waited for my friend to finish her shift, very few words were spoken. at least, i can't remember many being said. i just remember squeezing his hand saying i wish i wasn't seventeen. when my friend arrived my boyfriend gave me a hug, told me to go to the police station the next morning, and that was the last time i saw him for six weeks.
the next few hours went by so quickly. i arrived at my friend's house, changed clothing because i was still in my coffee soiled work clothes, and she advised me to tell my mom that i was safe and would see her in the morning. i did not want to because i was scared that they could find me if i reached out to them but she assured me that it was the right thing to do, so i did it. i used a texting app to reach out to them because they didn't know i was with my friend nor did i want them to.moments later, after waiting for a response, a sheriff was calling the number i used. the sheriff asked me if he was speaking to katrina and i boldly told him that he was not speaking to katrina, but karina. he then demanded to know where i was but at the same time told me he knew where i was. he told me that i was seventeen years old and had no place to act in the behavior i was acting and that he could put me in juvenile jail for not telling him where i was and for being disrespectful. i bite my tongue after those words rang in my ear because i wanted to say that i would much rather go to juvenile jail than to be emotionally tortured at home.
before the sheriff arrived are still very much a blur. i remember crying as my friend prayed with me on her couch. i remember crying as i told my boyfriend that i love him and would miss him. i remember him making me promise not to hurt myself and the dreaded sounds of knocking shortly followed. i gave my friend a hug and thanked her for her hospitality as i walked out the door with a policeman by my side.
as i walked outside i questioned myself why four sheriffs had shown up to her house, i guess my mother forgot that she gave me permission to leave the house. i climbed into a very uncomfortable backseat and was asked many questions on the way to meet my county's sheriff who would take me the rest of the way home. when i was brought back to my house my mother welcomed me home with open arms, thanked the policeman for bringing her sweet daughter home, and closed the door. again, i don't remember much about the next few moments but the sweet spirit definitely didn't last long and i was shocked to find a cot next to my mother's bed instead of a blanket and a pillow for a bed.
october 17th. the next morning i woke up to hear my mom talking to my employer on the phone. when she got off of the phone she informed me that there was a meeting scheduled in which her, my employer, and the employee (my friend) provided a warm place for me to stay at. she also made sure to include that apparently, the employer was ready to fire her on the spot (which i later found out that statement was not true).
that entire day i sat at the table, ate nothing but a few bites of a sandwich, and didn't use the bathroom because i wasn't allowed to use it by myself. my dad sat in the room beside the kitchen, watching me like he was told to. when my mom came home she was furious that my friend wasn't sorry for her "wrongdoings" and she demanded to know the password to my ipod because "there was more to the story". i told her i wasn't going to give her my tip money (which was in my boyfriend's closet) or the password to my ipod. she told me that i had two choices: i could give her the password to my ipod, and i could keep my job if i obeyed the house rules or if i chose not to give the password to my ipod they would take it to the apple store to unlock it and i wouldn't be allowed to keep my job. i made her promise me that if i gave her the password to my ipod i would still be allowed to keep my job. she said that whatever was on that ipod, she wouldn't love me any less and i would be allowed to keep my job.
well, during the time that i kept my ipod hidden in my bra, i stayed in communication with my boyfriend through snapchat because it worked better than instagram. some of the messages that i had saved on there included sweet messages implying that we were excited for what God had for us in the future and we were excited to spend our lives together serving him in the future.
as my mom put in the password to my ipod, she told my sisters to not look over her shoulders because she didn't know what she would be looking at (implying that there might be some nude pictures saved to the device). when she found my snapchat app i knew it would be better if i told her that i loved my boyfriend (whom they strongly disapproved of) and wanted a future with him. this made her furious. she told my sister to pack a bag for me and i was told to put a coat on but wasn't allowed to use my own nor was i allowed to change out of my pajamas. my mom grabbed her phone, called my aunt and told her that she was taking me to a juvenile jail. my aunt quickly answered, "you mean, my house?" and my mom confirmed that. neither of them knew how loud my mom's volume was so i knew exactly where i was going.
before you knew it i was on my way to webster kentucky. on the way there my mom left voicemail's on my boyfriend's phone calling him a coward and informing him that she was taking me far away from him and also his mother's phone. the rid there was a complete mess. my mother had her share of cuss words to say about my boyfriend and i had my share of cuss words letting her know that i hated living in such a toxic environment. she also told me that while i'm gone she was planning to go to his work, go behind the counter and harm him. she also mentioned that she was going to shoot him.
i frantically asked her if she was serious and she confirmed twice that she was. i looked at her and said, "you're seriously saying that you're going to shoot a black minor?!" her tone quickly changed from raging to comforting and said, "karina, you're crazy. i didn't say that." i then sobbed because i was scared that something might happen to him while i was gone and i was scared about what might happen to me over the next six weeks. halfway through the trip, we stopped to get food at wendy's and the family minivan needed gas. while my mom was getting gas i was given permission to talk to my uncle on her phone, but i quickly texted my boyfriend on her phone saying that i was on my way to kentucky, that i was scared, that i loved him, and deleted the messages from her phone before she got back into the car.
that night i was greeted by four boys, two adults, two dogs, and two cats- oh and a lot of goats but they were sleeping. i slept in a bed in a loft that night. i can honestly say that i slept extremely well because i was extremely exhausted from such an emotional day. before my mom left to go back home, we had a conversation supervised by her sister. my mom asked me if i wanted to move out when i was eighteen and she told me whatever my decision is, i can't change my mind. i confirmed that i wanted to move out the day i turned eighteen. i told her that i don't care what she did with my belongings, obviously, i wanted anything that was mine but i told her i specifically wanted the strawberry dishes that my grandma pam gave me, my camera's and lenses, my computer, and the money in my bank. she told me i could have those things and repeated a phrase that i heard quite often, "why would i want to keep your money?". shortly after this conversation, she left me without giving me a hug goodbye.
from october 18 to november 2, i tried to stay very busy. i wasn't doing school because my school books were in ohio so i cleaned while my cousins were at school or visited with my grandma. in the evenings and on the weekends i did whatever they did, just to past time. when they were cleaning the goat stalls, i came with. when they got the mail, i came with. i came with very few clothes and toiletries so my aunt took me to goodwill and walmart in corydon indiana to use until my parents brought me some of my things from home. sometime in between my aunt decided that her family (including me) needed her to go on "family medical leave" and in order to have that she needed a note from her family's counselor but the counselor didn't feel right about just writing a note and needed to meet regularly with a member of the family, which ended up being me. when i went to the counselor for my first appointment she started the conversation by saying, "let's be honest, you're here so that your aunt can get family medical leave".
on november 2, my uncle, aunt, one of my cousins and i met my family at a chickfila for my youngest sister's birthday. i was happy to see my siblings and especially my dad. after we went to chickfila, we went to meijers and afterward my mom gave me bags of clothes, some of my makeup, a bag of groceries, my camera, and my bible. we then went our separate ways and i didn't see them for another week.
on november 7, my aunt and i drove from webster kentucky back to ohio where my parents lived. that friday and saturday was my mom's annual craft show in which my aunt decided to participate for the first time. that trip was rough. i was treated horribly by my siblings and mom. my dad was extremely kind to me which i was very thankful for. that night my mom and aunt wanted to talk to me. before coming to ohio my aunt told me that if i "behaved" she would be able to help me. she told me that i wasn't the only one who has seen my mom's angry side but if i behaved my aunt would be able to help me. well that necessarily wasn't true because as i sat on the floor while my mom lectured me for three hours, she reclined on the couch, looked upwards, and pressed her lips together. every once in a while she would add things into the lecture but not often.
one of the many reasons why my mom lectured me was because i had a password on my "my eyes only" section in snapchat. she was convinced there were nude pictures within that four-digit code and was furious that i wouldn't give it up. i had nothing to hide but i did not want my mom seeing or deleting sweet pictures of my boyfriend and there was no reason as to why i needed to give her the password. another topic she discussed with me was that she knew i was pregnant. yeah that was quite the accusation. after almost three hours of continuous lecturing, i was extremely exhausted, tired, and angry. i begged and begged to be allowed to go to bed because i couldn't take it anymore but i wasn't allowed to. finally sarcastically told them that i was indeed pregnant and there were many nude pictures in that my eyes only section in my snapchat. (none of those statements were true. i was on my menstrual cycle and why would i want to keep or see such pictures?!)
shortly after making that statement i was allowed to go to bed and instead of showering in the girls' bathroom i showered in the mudroom. my shower was quite lengthy because i was crying and trying to cool myself down from such a heated argument. as i got out of the shower to dry myself off my mother knocked on the door and told me to open it. she then asked me what was taking me so long and i told her that i was just showering and was now finished. as i started to close the door she stopped me and told me that i wasn't allowed to keep the door closed. i went to bed that night in my brother's spare bed while my aunt slept in his bed across the room. my sobs were thankfully drowned out by the sound of snoring.
the next morning (november 9) i was woken up by the sound of my mom's voice, instructing me to get dressed and join the rest of the family downstairs, where they were preparing for yet another day of the craft show. this day my mother had two craft shows going on at the same time. one of them was at her house and the other was at a large school in the area. the majority of the youth who attended the church my parents attended went to that school, so i was told i wasn't allowed to go to that specific craft show because church people went there and my mom didn't want them seeing that i was in town. so i stayed home with my mom while she hosted her craft show.
when the craft show at her house was over, i went with her to return a sign that indicated her home was participating in that show. when we got to the place known as the c.o.v.e. (don't ask me what that stands for, i have no idea baha) we passed a church staff member on our way in. shortly after passing the staff member, my mom sharply asked if i gave her a note which was something i didn't do.
when the craft show at the school was over, my aunt came back to my mom's house and her, my mom, and i sat at the kitchen table for a "talk". if you have experienced such talks, you know that its usually you listening and the others lecturing, and that's exactly how it went. i was told by my aunt that the only way i could love my boyfriend was if i was carrying his child, therefore i needed to take a pregnancy test. i was told that there was no possible way for me to move out when i was eighteen and i should have told my family years ago that i had plans for such desires (which i did when there was discussion of my family splitting.) i was told that i had two choices that evening: i could live with my mom and if i did i would be taken to a 24/7 mental hospital in louisville ky. and my aunt was going to go to my boyfriend's house for who knows why OR i could live in webster ky. with my aunt's family and finish high school the way they wanted and then talk to them about the possibility of me moving out once i was graduated.
as i sat there with tears running down my face, i was super confused as to how any of those sounded reasonable. i didn't want to live in kentucky until december 3 but both choices ended with me living there. they asked me what my choice was and i told them, i don't want to end up in a mental hospital so they assumed that i would be living with my aunt's family until i graduated. my aunt then asked if i could take home a bag of clothes, a stuffed animal, and my plants (i had a pretty sick collection of plants). my mom gave me permission to bring home those items so my aunt and i went into my room to gather up those items before we left for webster. unfortunately, the only item i walked out with was a stuffed animal given to me by my brother because of a deal my sister's requested me to hold. i could only take my clothing and plants if i gave them (my family) the tip money that everyone thought i buried by the property's pond. oh, and apparently there was evidence of my boyfriend looking for such tip money on their neighbor's camera. just a reminder: i had given my boyfriend my tip money weeks ago. my aunt and i started our trip back to webster and that was the last time i saw my family until thanksgiving.
on november 27 my aunt's family and i met my sisters and mom in louisville for the annual thanksgiving eve service at my grandparent's church. earlier that day i practically begged my dad (who, for personal reasons, almost didn't come) to join us for thanksgiving dinner rat my grandparent's house. thanksgiving day was really fun. my grandparents organized many group games, my mom made cranberry salad which i anticipated eating for an entire year, and that evening both of my parents came with me on my first black friday adventure. i remember at one point that weekend my mom asking me when i was coming home (to her house) and i told her that i wanted to stay for my cousin's birthday (december 4, a day after mine) and then i was ready to go home. before you knew it, the holiday festivities were over and it was time for my family to leave. as i waved goodbye i started to get nervous because i knew my life was about to change drastically, for the good.
before being forced to leave ohio, i told my boyfriend months before that if i ever ended up going missing i was more than likely at my aunt's house. i gave him the address and he promised that if i were ever sent there he would find me and would figure out a way to bring me back the day i turned eighteen and so when i messaged him from my mom's phone that i was being taken to kentucky he knew exactly what to do. i wanted so badly to escape such a self-damaging environment that i planned to "run away" (as i've heard some people call it) as soon as i got to my mom's house IF someone didn't pick me up on the day i turned eighteen.
on december 2, my mom and my sisters arrived at my aunt's house with groceries for my birthday dinner and items for my cousin's birthday. if nobody came to get me then the next few days would have looked something like this: on december 3 my mom was going to take me to the mall to get my double piercing as a gift, we were going to window shop afterward and look at the decorations there, and in the evening my cousins had a basketball game that most of my mom's family was planning on attending. then, at 11:50 my cousin and i planned on writing a "contract" (stating that we wouldn't use nicotine, drugs, and drink alcohol.) and eating the spaghetti meal that buddy the elf eats.
around 11pm (just an hour before i turned 18) my mom wanted me to write a contract saying that i won't run away if i live at home and won't try to talk to my boyfriend and a bunch of other things. first of all, i didn't think it was right for me to sign a contract i didn't want to sign. second of all, i didn't think it was right for such a contract to be made if my dad wasn't present because he was my parent as well. so i never wrote out a contract nor did i sign anything, instead my mom told my birth story to me (like she does every year with every child) and we counted down the seconds until midnight. shortly after, everyone (except for my aunt and mom) left the kitchen table that we were gathered at and began to get ready for bed. my sister's showered in the bathroom that i used and i let them both shower before i did. when i was done taking my shower i figured that since no one had come i would have to go with my second plan in order to escape. i asked my youngest sister to have a slumber party with me in my bedroom (yes, i was no longer a harm to myself *eye roll* so i graduated to a bedroom) and we chatted for quite some time on my bed.
at 1am on december 3, i hear my mom say "oh my goodness that was weird". i crawled out of my bed and leaned close to the door to hear what was being said. after just a few seconds of eavesdropping, i realized that my friend from my old job had just driven down my aunt's driveway in hopes to pick me up. my heart dropped because i was afraid that she was already on her way back to ohio and i had missed my chance. minutes later my mom got a phone call from a deputy. i remember her saying "karina is asleep right now." and i knew immediately who the phone call was concerning, me. i ran downstairs and told her that i was awake and asked what they wanted. i also remember hearing the deputy telling my mom that it was kidnapping to hold someone against their own will.
the next few hours (yes hours) are kind of a blur but i remember asking my mom to speak to one of the many deputies that called her, i wasn't allowed to. i remember my aunt making me sit down on the ground and she sat directly in front of me. anytime i scooted closer to the door, she scooted right with me. at one point she asked me if she could hug me, i rudely told her no. i remember my mom telling one of the deputies that i didn't want to leave and then her asking me if i did, and i told her yes. my mom told me that i wasn't eighteen until 7:27 pm and that i couldn't leave. i cried in frustration telling her that my permit said i was a minor until december 3, 2019 but she said one of the deputies agreed with her. this made me extremely angry and i said that it wasn't fair couldn't leave. my aunt told me it wasn't fair but "that's just how the world works sweetie."
another thing that my mother learned during her phone conversations was that my friend was parked on the side of the road at the end of their driveway. this made her angry that someone had driven all the way from ohio just to take her "child" away from her and call the authority's saying i was being held against my will. my mom quickly asked my aunt if there was a place they could take me that i didn't know the directions to. my aunt replied by stating that my uncle's home was just the place. soon we were informed that a sheriff was on his way to talk to me and a few minutes later there was a knock on the door.
my mom quickly informed the sheriff that i wasn't eighteen until 7:27 pm which meant that i still had to obey her until then and i couldn't leave. the sheriff told her exactly what i said about the permit and asked to speak with me privately outside. i stepped outside into the chilly weather and told him how i got to kentucky and that i wanted to leave. i also asked him how i could get my thousands of dollars that my mom eventually took out of my bank account and into hers. he told me that in order to get it back i would have to take it to court.
i walked back into the house and the sheriff told my mom and my aunt that i wanted to leave. i was given permission to go into my bedroom, change, and gather whatever was mine. since my plan b. was to go home with my mom and escape there, i had already packed up my belongings. i walked upstairs into my bedroom (i was followed by my mom and sister) and found that my packed up belongings were missing. i quietly changed clothing and asked where my packed up belongings were and i was told that i wasn't allowed to take them because they weren't mine. i also asked if i could have the coat that my grandma gave me for christmas but apparently, that wasn't mine either. i then walked into the bathroom (followed by my mom and sister) and grabbed my camera bag out of the bathroom cabinet. as i put it around my body, my sister told me i wasn't allowed to take it. i ignored such a statement because i had bought the camera's and lenses inside the bag with my own money. so i attempted to walk past them but was shoved against and told by both that i wasn't allowed to take it.
i thought told myself, "karina this is your only chance to escape. put the camera down and leave." and that's what i did. as i walked out my aunt begged me to give her until 7:27pm and not leave until then. she also asked me to wait for my dad, who was on his way, to get to webster so that i can "at least say goodbye to my dad." with tears in my eyes i told her that he's done such things to me before so i knew he'd understand. then she gave me her phone number and told me to call her when i get to ohio and gave me a hug. i walked out of the house with the sheriff and started the small hike to the end of the driveway where my friend greeted me with open arms. i walked up to my friend and gave her a side hug, because my family told me she was probably lesbian and the only reason why she was picking me up was to rape me, and she brought me back to ohio. :")
on december 4 i went to the sheriff's department in my family's county. i knew from a witnessed experience in kentucky that my aunt would advise my mom to file for a "missing person's report" and possibly a "mental inquest warrant. my aunt frequently threatened to file for such things if i were to ever leave. so i told the sheriff that i wasn't missing and told him that they tried to hold me against my will. he asked for my parents' cell phone numbers and told me he would tell them not to file for such things. (spoiler alert, two months later a sheriff knocked on my door, making sure i wasn't missing.)
TRUE & FALSE
true: i left my home.
false: i ran away with her boyfriend and live with him.
true: i lied about my work schedule.
false: i slept around.
true: i no longer do school at my parents house.
false: i am a high school drop out. (i'm actually finishing up my senior year.)
true: i lived in kentucky for six weeks.
false: i lived in a girls' home three states away. (i actually lived in a home with four boys.)
true: i gave my tip money to my boyfriend.
false: i have the remaining money that i saved.
true: i have reached out to my mom (and dad) since leaving.
false: she has reached out to me. (each time i was the one who called or messaged her.)
true: i wanted to leave my parents' and aunt's home.
false: my actions were under the influence of my boyfriend and friend from work.
true: i am eighteen.
false: i am ruining my life and living for myself.
BY THE WAY:
none of this was said to "bash" or humiliate anyone neither was it written with the intent for others to feel sorry for me. i also didn't mention my dad often because he didn't have much parental say in this story nor did he contribute to the toxic environment. i wrote this because i want my family and friends to hear a more in-depth and truthful version of what happened weeks leading up to my eighteenth birthday. i apologize for any grammar or spelling mistakes, editing six thousand words can be quite difficult. this was just a small portion of what the last seventeen years of my life looked like. as you can see, i had my fair share of things that i could have done better and since then i have made a commitment to leave that old life behind and start a new one. i want you all to know that not all christian homes are hypocritical and please understand that you don't always know what happens behind closed doors, so be generous with your kindness.
-karina grace.
i won't go speechless.
May 28, 2019
"ok, i posted it." said my mom who was referring to an interesting article on bullying. her caption stated that bullying was something that everyone can be faced with it at any age and it can also be experienced within a church. we both knew that posting an article like this would cause a stir that could potentially end in ruins, our suspicions were correct. followers started to comment, sharing their experiences with bullying and shortly an interesting comment was posted that was later deleted by the commenter. we expected there to be a commenter who wouldn't be happy with my mom speaking up on the topic of bullying, but we didn't expect a phone call instructing for the post to be deleted. this commenter's family didn't want mine to speak up. they wanted us to be silent. they wanted us to remain speechless.
i don't doubt that i am the only person in both christian and non-christian circles who has been asked to remain silent against certain topics, life circumstances, etc. but just like princess jasmine, we should not be forced to be quiet. we should not be locked in a cage. we should not be silenced. nobody can take away your freedom to speak and i encourage you to be bold, brave, and do not remain speechless even if you are shamed for speaking up.
i won't go speechless, will you?
-karina grace
my household counted down the days, and maybe even hours, until the live action disney aladdin showed in theaters. my sister, alanna, was especially excited because this is her favorite disney movie. our original plan was to see it the very day it was released, but we decided to have a yard sale (they are our specialty :D) therefore, our plan was delayed until the next day.
after we packed the leftover items from our successful yard sale into our car, my parents took the items to goodwill. then we changed into nicer attire and drove to the nearest movie theater that was showing aladdin. as the movie began to start, my sisters and i looked at each other and grinned because the moment that we had been waiting for had finally arrived. then, the main character, *sighs* aladdin, made his way onto the big screen. sophie, my youngest sister, whispered to me "woah, he's cute." and of course i agreed because who doesn't like a guy with a nice smile, right?! the movie was very similar to the original; the classic genie and the lamp, the handsome wanna-be prince manages to sweep the princess off her feet, the phenomenal songs that everyone knows by heart- but there was also a new and powerful song sung by the princess herself.
Here comes a waveas i listened to those lyrics i recalled the time when my family was asked to remain silent. we were asked to not talk about a topic and act that has left many people broken. we were asked to go speechless. we made the decision not to remain silent and we were shamed for it.
Meant to wash me away
A tide that is taking me under
Swallowed in sand
Left with nothing to say
My voice drowned out in the thunder
But I won't cry
And I won't start to crumble
Whenever they try
To shut me or cut me down
I won't be silenced
You can't keep me quiet
Won't tremble when you try it
All I know is I won't go speechless
Try to lock me in this cage
I won't just lay me down and die
I will take these broken wings
And watch me burn across the sky
And it echoes saying I...
Won't be silenced
No you will not see me tremble when you try it
All I know is I won't go speechless
Speechless
i don't doubt that i am the only person in both christian and non-christian circles who has been asked to remain silent against certain topics, life circumstances, etc. but just like princess jasmine, we should not be forced to be quiet. we should not be locked in a cage. we should not be silenced. nobody can take away your freedom to speak and i encourage you to be bold, brave, and do not remain speechless even if you are shamed for speaking up.
i won't go speechless, will you?
-karina grace
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